Rebekka OnLine

Grateful

Rebekka — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:05:01 +0000

Hello,
I turned 44 this year! Yippee!

I definitely did not think that I would live to see my 40’s.
After being diagnosed in 1989 with HIV and then I was given an AIDS diagnosis in 1995.
I am grateful for my life and all the remarkable things that I have been able to achieve. Things that many take for granted will happen in their lifetime. Like, being loved by a man whom I consider my closest friend. I get to share this journey with someone very special, understanding, loving and just plain amazing.
I also have unconditional love from 3 four legged, furry children. They put a smile on my face each and everyday!
I am privileged to be able to have a career I love. I get up 5 days a week and go train some really wonderful women whom I cannot imagine what my life would be like without their wise, strong, beautiful and loving selves.
Then my afternoons I get to go to the studio and be a production coordinator.
My early evenings I help my Dad with his business. And then I get time to spend with my family and have a good home-cooked meal and finally go to sleep in a big comfy bed.
My friends who span the world, are always there for me!
I have an undetectable viral load. Very little side effects from the HIV meds.
I spent my birthday at the Henry Rollins show with my fiance, little brother and sister-in-law.
Anthony and I made a carrot cake from scratch.(and I ate almost all of it myself)
And I got the only one eared monkey hat in the San Fernando Valley from my brother for my birthday.
I got to see my little brother Dan turn 40.
My little brother Joe is now in my life.
I have two mom’s!!! Equally proud of both of them and love them so very much!
I have an amazing Dad who is there for me no matter what!
December 12th 2010 I ran my first marathon in Honolulu Hawaii. And I raised a bunch of money for APLA.

Of all these things I am extremely grateful. I have learned to be patient and respectful on this journey and I have learned how to be comfortable being me.
Love,
Rebekka

University of New Haven Connecticut

Rebekka — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 16:09:21 +0000

Hello,
I am back on the East Coast! And back at the University of New Haven Connecticut.
I flew from Los Angeles yesterday morning 6:15, that meant getting up at 4am. So you know I tried to sleep on the plane. Yup tried, I had an isle seat, yippee, next to a very large man who spilled over into my seat this was not that big of a deal to me. Worse, the woman who sat behind me… at first I thought it was a 6 year old kid kicking the back of my seat. I mean really kicking, like pulling her little legs up into her chest and then rapid fire her feet straight into the back of mine, BOOM! Jolting my neck forward as though it were made of rubber. When I turned to address the little tike I was shocked to see it was a woman about my age!!! WOW! Unbelievable. So the drink cart occasionally jammed into my foot cause I was leaning towards the isle to give the big guy in the middle more room and little miss thing sitting at the window insisted on crawling over the top of both of us when she wanted to get out! Hello, manners here people.
Anyway, I landed at JFK at 2:49 and took a car service to connecticut. They call it a car service, which it is for all intents and purposes, however, this was a van, and we stopped at LaGuardia to pick up people too. Okay, this is fine with me, in fact it gets better, the driver and his co-pilot are listening to the Jets game! It goes into overtime! I ask them to turn it up a bit and they do, none of the other passengers seem to be interested though, just the three of us. The co-pilot and I are quietly cheering and laughing and the driver keeps turning the radio down to decent level and we turn up when the action gets hot. Ha ha, it was fun, then the Giants game came on!!! I was cheering on the New York team knowing that they were not playing my Philadelphia Eagles. I am not a traitor, I like both teams, except when they play against one another. I kept this information under my hat, the co-pilot never had a clue.
Okay now, nothing like east coast football and east coast fans, even if it was just co-pilot and myself. The crisp cold air outside and the fall crimson leaves still on the trees Giants radio network calling out the plays, wouldn’t you know it, we drove right by my stop! When we realized it I was SOL (shit outta luck) there were other passengers remember??? So I said, lets just call me a cab to go backwards, “I’ll wait on that bench over there and you all continue on your merry way.” Done.
I made it to the hotel in a cab driven by a Nigerian who schooled me on the correct way to raise children, not all lenient like here in America. I was cracking up. “You need to beat your kids” I think he meant spank, which got lost in translation. Tee hee.
After I checked in to the hotel I went across the street to get some fish for dinner at Outback. Brought it back to my room and caught the rest of the Eagles game! Yeah! We kicked ass, well my green birds did anyway. I went to sleep early, it was a long day.
Today is a new day with a light dust of snow all over the ground outside and I am catching up with the world. Tonight I speak at the University of New Haven Connecticut!!! I CAN’T Wait!!! See you at 9pm!

Beast

Rebekka — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:26:15 +0000

We are at the end of February and even though it’s a short month some days seemed to drag on.
I was sick in the beginning of the month, just a yucky cold, but it’s tough to stay down that long. pretty ironic because there are so many days that I feel so tired that I do not want to do anything but I have too. And I want a break, than a break comes along and I am upset because I can’t do anything!!!
Beast’s legs have been getting worse and he has been in more pain. (Beast is our Am Staff)He doesn’t get up unless we force him too, which I hate doing. He has two beds, one in the living room and one in the bedroom. Anthony and I have been sliding him on his bed across the hardwood floors from room to room. Once in a while we have to wrap a towel under his hind end to hoist him up and walk him outside. It’s tough to see your baby in pain. And it’s hard to see such a proud, strong, gorgeous pit bull deteriorate. He was always the tough guy! The protector, and the one in charge. Tuesday the 16th of February, Sonya came over and helped me get him into the car and she drove us to the Veterinarian. Beast was diagnosed with a bad tooth that needed to be extracted. He was given a shot of antibiotics for the infection and a shot for the pain. We went home with more antibiotics and more pain pills and a plan to do the extraction on friday.
Anthony and I had already been dealing with his severe arthritis and pain management for quite some time. He was not able to walk very far anymore and some days not at all. We knew the time was coming when we would have to help him, stop his pain and save his dignity. After a whole lot of weighing out the pros and cons and discussing what was best for him, We made the decision that is so difficult for dog Mom’s and Dad’s to have to face. The decision to end his pain , discomfort and humiliation. So on thursday February 18th Anthony and I took beast to his doctors one last time. We went into the room off to the left of the front door. The doctor and the vet assistants laid blankets down on the floor and we went over everything again. And you know what, even though Anthony and I knew we were doing the right thing, we were having second thoughts! Fuck! This is so hard!
The Vet tech shaved his arm to start an IV. Anthony and looked back and forth at him and at each other and the tears began to really pour. We laid with him and kept telling him it was going to be okay. “It’s going be okay Beast, we love you so much.” “You are such a good boy.”
Then the doctor came in with the syringe of pink, milky barbiturates. She slowly injected the substance and Beadie went to sleep. We held him the whole time and stayed with him afterward.
We had Beast cremated and picked him up on three days ago. Now he is on the bureau as we enter the house.
I miss him so much and it is taking some adjusting. A big part of my life is gone, I love you so much Beast!
Peace and Love to you in Dog Heaven,
Mommy

Super Bowl Sunday

Rebekka — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:34:18 +0000

Okay,
so my Eagles didn’t make it, but there is always next year! So today I am rooting for the Saints!
GO SAINTS! Yes today is the last football game of the season and we will soon have new champions. Super bowl Champions that will rein for the year to come! Yippee! Exciting stuff indeed! Equally as exciting is this overwhelming urge to eat whatever I want! Because it’s “The Super Bowl” What a fabulous reason to eat till I pass out. It only comes once a year, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, 4th of July, Easter, Valentines Day and New Years. Whew, a girl could get chubby if she ate what she wanted “because it only comes once a year” practically something every month! Today however, Anthony and I are not gonna get too crazy, but we will be treating ourselves. Yes sir re bob! We are going to Jersey Mikes for the best, authentic, New Jersey submarine sandwiches!! Yummy, yummy for my tummy! If you are in So Cal you will be happy to know that they are here!!! So Eat what you want today, cause it only comes once a year! Tee Hee!
Peace, Rebekka

Rebekka’s Column

Rebekka — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 17:01:00 +0000

I feel different.

It doesn’t matter how much outreach, activism, prevention or awareness work I do, I still feel different. I live with demons in my head that remind me how dirty and ashamed I really am. Somehow none of what I do will erase the fact that I have infected blood and I am different. I am treated different by other non-infected human beings still to this day. Or at least my mind will make the reasons that people act a certain way somehow about me. “It must be because I have AIDS.” That is why they aren’t letting me hold their new baby, shake my hand or give me a hug good-bye. Sometimes it is them, but more often than not it is my low self-esteem, immune compromised, self absorbed mind that gets in the way. Making me feel so different…

(to read the complete article click on “Rebekka’s Column” in the Blogroll)

Go Eagles!

Rebekka — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:31:23 +0000

GO EAGLES!
I am enjoying my Sunday football! I just finished watching the Giants game. They got their ass handed to them by Minnesota.
44-7 Minnesota. OUCH! Sorry Ant and Bro. Now it’s time for the Eagles and the Cowboys. I am so hoping the Big Green Birdies kick some Cowgirl Butt! I will check in later.
Happy Sunday everyone!
Namaste,
Rebekka

Flu shot

Rebekka — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:10:04 +0000

Whew! I went to AHF (AIDS Healthcare Foundation) yesterday for a regular check up. I know the drill like the back of my hand. And yesterday it was game as usual.
Check in and take a seat in the waiting room. There is a new TV screen above the Christmas tree, the sound and video is filtered into the waiting room with uplifting PSA’s and clips of what AHF is doing right here in the US and on a global level. India, Africa, Mexico and America. I am captivated and I feel that twinge to be more active and know more, do more, be out there on a larger level. I especially like the clip of the cartoon penis putting on a condom and using it! I would love this public service announcement to use at the beginning of my presentation. Hmm, something to think about.
I am snapped back into reality back into the waiting room of the clinic when I hear my name.
The nurse whom I have known for years calls me in with a big inviting smile.
We get my weight. “is it me?” “Or does everyone weigh 5lbs more on the doctors scale?”
Take my blood pressure and temperature and talk about the New Year to come.
She walks down the hall to see if the doctor is ready to see me. Comes back and informs me “The doctor is ready to see you, you can go on back”
“Thank you”
I head on back, past the ADAP office where a group of people are gathered talking intently. Then past door #1, #2 and finally #3. Dr Paul Denoudin’s office. Dr D. has been taking care of me, strategizing with me about my health and well
being for a long time, I think about 11 years now, with a little lapse in between when I moved to Missouri for a while.
We are both very happy to see one another. He asks how I am doing and we get right to work. He has never made me feel hurried or as if I need to rush. He always takes his time with me and is very thorough which is so very important to me especially knowing how many patients are waiting to see him. We discuss my blood-work from the last visit and an unusual reading in regards to my kidneys. Not alarming but worth looking into. Next a brief overview on my meds and I tell him the story about my Taco truck food poisoning that I got for Christmas, just so that he is aware. Christmas brings up family which leads to sharing pictures of his kids with Santa. I love my doctor.
Back down the hall I go to do blood-work where I meet with another nurse whom I adore and start the blood-work process filling vials of my rich, dark, ruby red life sustaining juice. We begin discussing bodybuilding as we usually do and our workout programs.
“The new year is coming” I tell him. “No more excuses just do it!” Tee hee, I am so tough, not!
Now it’s time for my flu shot and we talk more about the possible side effects and training with a sore shoulder
Just kidding.
I go to the bathroom and pee in a little cup to check out the kidneys.
Now its time to go and so I make my appointment for March.
“Happy New Year Everyone!”
Namaste,
Peace and Love,
Rebekka

Happy New Year!

Rebekka — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:35:10 +0000

Many of us have struggled through these difficult times. The economy taking a really hard hit, unemployment, benefits and health insurance lost. Not to mention trying to put food on our tables and take of ourselves and our family. 2009 for me was one of many life changing events. The painful loss of my ex husband Oliver for one. Not being able to have closure on so many fronts where the last 9 years of our lives had led us. Not being able to say good bye. Feeling so helpless and twisted up in knots while I watched his suffering, knowing that there was nothing that I could do but really pissed off about it.
Closing up our home and fighting to keep it going while I was living in California. Finding homes for three of our dogs and our kitty cats. Flying across the country with my friend Matt Graham AKA “Lunchbox” to sort through and collect my belongings. Bring my baby Sandie Carrot-Cake (Sandie is a golden cocker mix) home to California along with a box that contained Oliver’s remains in the front seat of a U Haul with Matt, on a another 4 day road trip back home! So recap, Flew to Missouri, worked and cleaned and took care of business round the clock for one week. Loaded a U haul and drove across country in 4 days! Had a funeral and took Oliver’s ashes on one last ride on two wheels this time, to his final resting place at the beach. Surfs up Ollie RIP.
Another was losing my job. Ouch.
Finding a new place to live.
Staring a new career!
Moving again! This time with my boyfriend Anthony and super friend Lois.
Finding a new agent.
Winning the NPC LA and the overall. Body building Competition
Taking 7th place at the USA’s.
Begin lecturing again with my amazing new agency, Samara Lectures.
Loosing my home.
Building a new fabulous website with my very, very good friend Terry.
And through all of this I was supported and Loved unconditionally by an amazing man whom I love so very much. Anthony has become my very best friend and confident. My lover, partner and care giver. That which does not kill us makes us stronger that is for sure. I was surrounded by the love of my family, the understanding and guidance of my mother, the compassion and honest advice of my Dad Jake and Angel Mom, the support and Love that can only come from a brother my bro Dan! All of my amazing friends that have been here for me, Sonya,Amy, Barb, and Lois.
I am grateful for my life and grateful for all those I share it with. My babies, Surya, Sandie Carrot-Cake and Beast. Some day’s they are the only reason I drag myself out of bed.
I have learned that you do not learn much from always being happy. And I am so appreciative of everything that I have gone through this past year. I feel a little more knowledgeable, compassionate, Loved, needed, wanted, powerful and oh so grateful! It is hard work healing, growing and learning how to be who you truly are. But I sure do love how it makes me feel today!
Here’s to an amazing, healthy, prosperous New Year for 2010! Happy New Year Everyone!
Peace and Love,
Namaste,
Rebekka